Justin Foeppel

June 11, 2016 Zurich, Switzerland @ Total Bar

As I commute to the Salvation Army to do some volunteer work I am reminded: I can hide from the realities of the human experience. I can avoid them, I can act as if, I can believe I’m above the human experience. No matter how hard I try, I can’t avoid it: I’m just as human as anyone.

Although I’ve spent the last few days at what I imagine are some of the nicest venues in Zurich…Old Town, EDEN AU LAC, UTO KULM, I am now experiencing a different part of the city. I am staying at City Backpacker, my first time at a hostel. I am commuting to different parts of the city, Anthony Bourdain is in my head….I have gone to “the underbelly.” A part of the city where perhaps the more typical Swiss experience can be found. Cigarettes on the ground, beer cans laying everywhere, transsexuals on the street corner. A place where the soccer matches are being enjoyed among friends. Shouts for the favorite team and against the enemy. “Which team is yours” I am asked as I order an espresso at the bar, no booze for me anymore. “I am not sure,” I reply, “Is it soccer?” “Ahh, you’re American.” Yes, I am American, so it doesn’t matter.

As I rode tram 8 over here, I was reflecting on my attitude. I’ve had a great experience here in Zurich at The Zurich Project organized by John Mihaljevic and Shai Dardashti. I’ve been participating in a community that manages money for a living, yet is down to earth. It’s been wonderful and I have really felt a part in a group where I automatically feel less than coming in, not because of anyone, but because of what’s in my own head. As I walk around Zurich reflecting on the experience I can’t help but feel fear. Fear that while, yes, I may have made a good impression with some people, I can’t keep up. I am going to fail. I am going to stumble. I am going to disappoint. I don’t deserve an opportunity to run with this group. And if I’m given the opportunity, I will eventually squander it.

It’s quite a frustrating experience traveling from a natural high one day, a consequence of meeting some of the people I look up most to, to being in fear that I am not going to live up to expectations, my own or others (I am not sure what would be more disappointing, ahh, screw it, I will fail on both fronts, so no use worrying which one would be worse).

As these thoughts turn in my head, I realize something about this new writing hobby: I gave a presentation two days ago that demonstrated authenticity. That spoke of walking through fear in order to get the help I need and in order to let others know that they are not alone if they need help too. My message was simple: Whenever I find myself afraid, I need to live with it. Bring it along with me, don’t let it freeze me. However, as I have been writing, I find myself subconsciously framing the writing so that I look good. I am forgetting the hard won lessons I have learned and avoiding applying them in all endeavors. I need to walk the talk in all areas of my life, not just where I find it advantageous for myself.

So here I am at Total Bar, writing that I am terrified. Opportunities that I want more than anything are coming my way. I am ecstatic to have the opportunity and my mind is racing ahead: Will I get to earn a living as a money manager? Will I get to turn this value investing hobby into a real living? When I have these thoughts, my reptilian brain is my master. I have to access that higher consciousness I have been given. ‘No, this is not about what I will get, this is about what I will give.’ For me, this is the only way it can be because what I get is never enough, there is always more to get.

Fighting back tears, I find myself mixed with emotion: grateful for the people that have shown me to find meaning in my life through self-less giving and humbled how I can be so selfish. And so, I am ending this writing, going to the Salvation Army to volunteer my time for fun and for free, hoping to get out of my own head and hoping to get that thrill that can only be had from helping someone else. Maybe I can forget about the terrible things I have done and find the wherewithal to forge ahead, rising to the opportunities heading my way, rather than letting the fear and self-loathing drive the narrative.

Until next time, be well,

Justin Foeppel